Previously I haven't cared one iota about the new Terminator movie. Whilst T and T2 were outstanding flicks, the third one seemed purely a case of Hollywood flogging a dead flesh over metal endoskeleton. The reasons for this were simple: T2 ended with them changing the future and preventing Skynet from ever being developed. Now, you can go discuss time paradoxes with Harlen Ellison but I thought after T2 the series was wrapped up nicely so I viewed news of the new flick with ambivilence that soon changed to scorn when I saw the first two trailers. To whit:
- Terminatrix? Good work, boys. I bet the marketing meeting where you came up with that was a hearty round of backslapping and coke snorting.
- The second tailer has featured Arnie looking at the hole in the wall left by the afore mentioned Terminatrix and commenting "She'll be back." FANTASTIC! Pull the old switcheroo on one of the great kiss-off lines off our generation. "You think he'll say THIS but he says THAT!!!"
- No Eddie Furlong! Come on! So what if he's so drug fucked he can't even work with Mr John "Fat Trannies eating Dog Poo" Waters - he's Johnny Conner for fucks sake. He can defeat the machines, he can defeat an ATM with an ATARI speak-n-spell, surely he can defeat a little smack habit. The producers weren't even trying. It's especially ironic considering they replaced him with Nick Stahl, who looks like he's only attempting to play John Conner with a smack habit anyway.
- Terminatrix!?!? She's come from the future to smack British MPs bottoms and tell them they've been naughty boys. Bravo.
- Give Arnie a break already! He may be a Teutonic superman who needs people to let off some steam but the man is fifty years old for fucks sake. What has he come from the future with this time? A zimmerframe loaded up with miniguns?
- Terminatrix!?!!? She's played by a Danish supermodel! What, has she come from the future to spend the flick purging after dinner and complaining that Prada totally doesn't suit her ankles?
But all that changed today when I saw the third trailer, just released on Apple Trailers. And it changed because of one little scene in said trailer. Now, I know some of you don't like spoilers so...
The trailer has all the usual suspects - shot of metal faces coming out flames, motorcycles crashing into helicopters crashing into bigger helicopters crashing into fire engines crashing into 18 wheel high rise crane rigs and then... and then... it has... THIS.
I'm sorry. Pardon? What did you say?
Holy shit! I thought when you said "Arnie is carrying a coffin like he's some sort of Nazi Holocaust Pizza delivery boy, while firing a WWII Browning .30 machine fun (as seen in Private Ryan and Thin Red Line)" you were joking. But just in case I was mistaken:
HOLY SHIT!! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
A scene this exciting demands a little explaination. And here it is.
I've got my new super-duper contact lenses, so I'll explain the blurry newspaper print.
That's Sarah Conner's coffin he's carrying. He breaks into her crypt, steals her coffin and rams it into a hearse while laying down some Dub Dub Two Band of Brothers Action.
I don't care what the set up for this scene is - I don't even want to know. Arnuld goes in for some good old fashioned graverobbing with a sixty year old machinegun, so who am I to complain. I... I... am speechless. This is going to be the greatest movie ever made.
If I was Californian, I would vote "1 Arnuld for President". And even if you weren't convinced, I have it on good authority that in this movie, Arnuld's minigun doesn't have six barrels - it has twelve! BOOK YOUR TICKETS NOW!
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