He’s delirious. He keeps calling me Jackie Brown.

It was at this point that I started to have doubts about the film. Y’see The Captain knew it was going to happen because, just before the jump, he switched with The Doctor so that he got the bad dimensional pod and she got the good one. Apparently logic was a victim of the Script Wars of 2132. It’s the only way to explain a space ambulance that only has enough "dimensional pods" for the crew. Uh, guys, what about those things that you’re meant to pick up and save the lives of. What are they... oh yeah – PATIENTS! "We’ve stabilised him – now to Earth! Oh no, it happened again."

Ahh, the pod was broken all along. Jeez, I wish we looked at this before we got in them.

Mind you, the hyperspacing effect was pretty cool. They shoot lightning rails out the front and back of the ship and belt down them like a train. The random images that were flashing on the screen implied that they had visions of the future, which was odd because they didn’t stop and turn the fuck around.

Waa Waa! Here comes the Space Ambulance!

Once they arrive, they discover that they’ve hyperspaced next to a BLUE GIANT STAR ABOUT TO GO SUPER NOVA! Nice one guys – how about you try looking to where you’re going BEFORE you get there. That way, you won’t be surprised when your ship gets almost destroyed by the debris cloud surrounding said GIANT BLUE SUN.

Anyway, the ship gets damaged and they won’t be able to hyperspace out until its repaired/recharged (it changed depending on who was talking at the time) – which will be 10 minutes before the Sun goes nova. Shit – talk about bad luck. This thing has been around for 2-3 billion years and you happen to turn a day before it blows, and can’t leave until 10 minutes before it does.

Suddenly, without any warning, there is a plot development when the guy who sent the distress call turns up. It turns out that he is the son of the drug addict and all round bad guy who Angela Basset used to go out with – but he’s nice and doesn’t like his dad, so that’s cool. He also looks more like Tom Cruise than Tom Cruise does which is very disconcerting. Oh yes, and his first lines are delivered while standing naked. DOES NO ONE IN THE FUTURE WEAR CLOTHES?! Or are they just all French?

For gods sake, stop working on your tan and puts some pants on – ARGH! A GHOST!

He also has an alien glowy space dildo – I’m not kidding, when they’re talking about what this mysterious thing is, Nurse #2 says "Maybe it’s an alien sexual object". Jesus, woman, you must have a cunt like a catherdral, the thing was two feet long at least, and as thick as my leg. Lou Diamond Philips, you monster, you.

She can also blast a ping pong ball through a wall.

It turns out to be an alien nine-dimensional bomb that will destroy the universe (in order to save it) if detonated, and makes you ultrastrong, younger, psychotic, heal damage quicker than the T-1000 and look like Angel when he gets cranky.

Feel free to read that sentence a couple of times to let it sink in. You might like to take a break, just to think about it.

So, surprise surprise, it turns out that bad man drug addict used-to-pork-Mace’s son is actually bad man drug addict used-to-pork-Mace, except that he’s now stronger and invulnerable and a Space Psycho. James Spader wants to throw the universe destroying dildo back into space so no one can use it. Considering that they’re currently orbiting a massive star about to go nova, I would think that’s a bad idea, but then I’ve never fucked Robin Tunney who’s pretending to be Angela Basset in zero G so what would I know? Mister "L. Ron won’t let Tom play bad guys so they sent me" doesn’t like this idea, so he starts knocking off everyone one by one.

Before he does this, he also has a ride on Miss Tunney, again in Zero G. Jesus, people, think about it! Every action has an opposite reaction and fucking in zero G will just send you bouncing off the walls – literally. To say nothing of what free-floating spoont will do to a computer circuit.

He then blows her out an airlock. The producer must have though this was cool, because he does exactly the same thing to Lou Diamond Philips five minutes later. Yeah, where are your Young Guns now, Lou? I thought so. But seriously guys, blowing people out airlocks is cool, but two in five minutes is just shooting your wad too early. You gotta not get carried away – you gotta space ‘em out, baby. Ooh yeah.

It is at this point that we get a long shot of the star and it’s clear to see that the star is being sucked down a black hole as well – WHICH NO ONE HAS MENTIONED. Either someone sent the wrong memo to the special effects guys or they really need to get a new Ships Computer. That might be a good idea anyway, given that this one has so far scrambled the Captain, put them next to a soon-to-be-Supernova and failed to yell "BEHIND YOU!" whenever anyone is about to get creamed by the Space Psycho.

The writer must have suddenly remembered that the Ships Computer should actually try to keep its crew alive, but does so at the worst possible time. The Computer Nerd is stuck in a glass room while Space Psycho is trying to smash his way in. As the glass cracks and breaks, the Computer Nerd is desperately trying to get the Computer to evacuate all the air from the room outside and all the computer can do is rabbit on about how it must preserve human life. Jesus, man, when you were trying to give the computer human traits did you have to get them from a Mongoloid? This scene does have the best moment in the movie though; as the Computer Nerd is being battered to death, the Computer says "I- I love you" to him.

YES! At this point I was yelling in pure joy! At last – A COMPUTER THAT KNOWS WHAT LOVE IS!!! And, to cap it off, GOT THE PERSON IT LOVED KILLED! YES!!! Obviously, the processing power that it was using to understand what this thing we humans call love was the reason it was acting like a retard the whole movie. Unfortunately, there was not a shot of a close circuit camera lense with a tear of oil dripping from it, but, hey, you can’t have everything.

Have I mentioned that the ship also had a robot that breakdanced while dressed like a WWI fighter pilot named Flyboy? I didn’t. Oh, well, it did.

Ro-man want to go fly fly!

Anyway, all the secondary characters (ie. All three of them) have been killed off, so it’s time for the final showdown. They manage to get Space Psycho trapped in the Zero G sex room and then blow it up. OH THE IRONY – HE’S FUCKED! Except that they used the nine dimensional universe destroying dildo as bait, and it is sent sailing into the heart of the blue giant, which promptly explodes.

That’s right. They throw the device that will destroy the universe into a supernova AND IT GOES OFF! Even though they knew it would, in fact specifically said throwing the device into the supernova would fuel a reaction that would destroy the universe, THEY STILL DID IT. But don’t worry – because, according to Angela Basset "It’ll take 70 years to reach the Earth." Phew! Though, I don’t think you can believe a word that woman says; she said she hated drug addicts and then demonstrated that hate by fucking one. They manage to outrun the explosion though, but are forced to share the same dimensional pod as the Space Psycho smashed all but one. Unfortunately, they’re not turned into hyperchowder but they swap an eye each. And she’s pregnant. With a girl.

Did I mention that they destroyed the Universe?

The shape in the top right hand corner is the robots arm giving you the finger – Thanks Hollywood. Not only have you taken two hours of my life, you say FUCK YOU after doing it.

AND THEN THE OPENING CREDITS ROLLED. I am not joking, they had the opening credits at the end of the movie, full of those set up shots of the Space Ambulance cruising along, and then followed them with the closing credits.

The movie claims to be directed by Thomas Lee but it turns out to be an Alan Smithee project. For those of you who don’t know, when a film is disowned by its director and he refuses to have his name associated with it, the American Director Guild or whoever says it was directed by "Alan Smithee". However, the term Alan Smithee is too well known now, so they’ve changed it to Thomas Lee. A bit of research turned up who originally directed it: Walter Hill, of 48 Hours, Red Heat, Last Man Standing fame. He quit over studio involvement and Francis Ford Coppola was brought on to replace him. He also quit, and was replaced by, of all people, Geoffry Wright, the director of Romper Stomper. Not wanting to break tradition, he also quit and the film was finished by Jack Sholder, who directed the sequels to both Nightmare on Elm Street and Wishmaster, and that’s a mark of quality if ever there was one.

Jesus, I’ve now spent more time writing about that damn movie that watching it. DAMN YOU HOLLYWOOD! Will you never let me be free?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to watch Mad Max 2. Apparently, the Japanese call him "The Woad Rorrier." Wait, no, that's Bwavehaart.

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