D R A M A T I S P E R S O N A
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DOCTOR NIC
The illustrious founder of the |
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SIR JAZZYJAY Gentleman, Courtier, Cassanova, General, Hero. He's none of these things and less, but he does have a knighthood, thanks to a severly misdirected package intended for Francis Drake. |
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LORD HAWKEYE An enormous pile of velvet, ruffs and talculm powder that somehow has developed the power of speech. |
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SERGEANT ROBBIE A small shell of soot, encrusted in the uniform of Her Magesty's Guards and hailing from one of thost parts of Great Britian that aren't England. |
SCENE: 1687 and the first meeting of the
DOCTOR NIC: Gentlemen! I now call this meeting... to order!
ALL: Huzzah!
DOCTOR NIC: We have been formed at the bequest of His Magesty with the express mission of discovering and developing new and exciting ways of fucking shit up.
SIR JAZZYJAY: Sir, if I may have the floor.
DOCTOR NIC: You'll have to ask the landlord about that.
SIR JAZZYJAY: I propose that our first mission be that we seek an alternate route - to the Indies!
ALL: Hubbub hubbub the man's mad rubarb!
DOCTOR NIC: But we already have a fine route - we go west until it gets spicy.
SIR JAZZYJAY: Yes, but wouldn't it be better-
BUTLER: Excuse me sirs, but Lord Hawkeye has just arrived.
A pile of silk surrounded by a cloud of talculm power enters.
LORD HAWKEYE: mmm-Sorry I'm late but mmm-my mmm-manservant required mmm-mashing!
SIR JAZZYJAY: Wait a minute! There's only three members of the Royal Society - so if Lord Hawkeye just arrived-
LORD HAWKEYE: mmmm-mah!
SIR JAZZYJAY: -and Doctor Nic has been running the meeting-
DOCTOR NIC: What! What! Nurse! My boil's just matriculated! Nurse!
SIR JAZZYJAY: -who's been providing the crowd noises?
DOCTOR NIC: Why, this grammaphone record of course. Look, by turning it over I can give the impression that we're at the sea side.
SCENE: The seaside. The members of the Royal Society gaze out across the Atlantic.
DOCTOR NIC: You see, Sir Jazzyjay, we just send off ships in that direction and six months later they come back full of rum and silver.
SIR JAZZYJAY: But you see the Earth is curved-
ALL: Hubbub hubbub the man's mad rubarb!
SIR JAZZYJAY: Turn that thing off!
DOCTOR NIC: Sorry.
SIR JAZZYJAY: But what is the shortest distance between two points?
DOCTOR NIC: A taxi?
LORD HAWKEYE: mmmA cannon shell?
DOCTOR NIC: Calling on Monday?
LORD HAWKEYE: mmmPie?
SIR JAZZYJAY: A straight line!
ALL: AAAAAHH!!
SIR JAZZYJAY: I thought I told you to turn that bloody thing off!
DOCTOR NIC: But... it is been off all the time. Wait a minute! Lord Hawkeye, did you say before you were mashing your manservant?
LORD HAWKEYE: mmm-Indeed! The blaggard dared to suggest that mmm-wah's collar was too broad and that he was sick of holding the mmm-pole that supported it's leftern mmm-most extremity. So I mmm-mashed him.
DOCTOR NIC: And by mashed you mean...
LORD HAWKEYE: mmm-Mashed! With a mmm-masher!
DOCTOR NIC: Rrrrright. Anyway, so Sir Jazzyjay, am I to understand that you are suggesting we build a Trans-atlantic tunnel?
SIR JAZZYJAY: No sir! I'm telling you that I've already started one! Sergeant Robbie!
A hatch in the ground opened and a short pile of soot, underwhich resided a Scotsman jumped out.
SERGEANT ROBBIE: SAH! Tunnel honstruction 'as run into hah problem sah! We happear to 'ave hiscovered the lost tribes of Hisrael, SAH!