Guest Starring Gboy
The first indication that anything was wrong was when Gboy called me five minutes before I was due to arrive. "Dude, the movie isn't showing at the pub."
Normally, when I receive a phone call telling me that there's no movies showing at the pub, I respond with "Wow, super observation, Poirot - It's a pub. Hey! Hey! Look at me, I'm calling Jazzyjay to tell him that I couldn't buy ladies panties at a drive in!" But this time, this time was different. This time, they were showing movies at the Annandale Hotel. I remember when I first found out about this wonderful development. "Hey," I had said to Gboy one afternoon. "Wouldn't it be great if movie theatres sold beer during the movie? That way, you could get drunk while watching the film and have to go the bathroom every thirty minutes. Then when people say 'hey, I saw that movie too, my favourite bit was when he threw the guy into the Presidents wood chipper' I can wink at them and say 'Didn't see that bit - I was doing a wee.'"
Gboy got a sly look in his eye. "Well, mate, then you're in luck. The Annandale Hotel is showing David Icke's 'The Reptilian Agenda.' It's a movie about how 12 foot high shapeshifting lizards secretly control the Earth." Gboy saw my scared expression and rushed on. "It's not a documentary dude, I mean, it is but it's by a crazy guy and it's full of crazy people, it's not really about the lizards that rule the world. Cause they don't." He waited until I had stopped hyperventilating and then flashed a picture of a naked Bea Arthur at me and I screamed. "Ha ha ha!" he said. "What's the matter - scared of a woman's breasts? FARGOT." He then looked at the picture and also screamed.
After we had hugged and made up (attention hot chicks: no we didn't), Gboy called the number on this web site to find out some more information. "Hi," he said. "I'm interested in learning more about the reptilian conspiracy."
"Ask them if there'll be girls there!" I yelled from the bathroom, where I was drinking some water.
"7.30pm for an 8 start? Right. And the cover charge? $7? Sweet."
"ASK ABOUT THE GIRLS!!!" I yelled over the sound of the toilet flushing repeatedly.
"My friend wants to know if there'll be girls there. Uhuh. Cool. Thanks." He came into the bathroom. "7.30 for an 8 start. But they say they don't want your sort there." He looked at me with disgust. "Jesus, why can't you drink from a tap like a normal person?"
"BLUBGLUBBLUB!" I replied.
 You'd have to be insane not to like an anorak like that. |
In order to fully appreciate what we were about to watch, I did some research on David Icke. A former sports commentator and football player, he went spectacularly and publicly insane in 1991, turning up on his show wearing only turquoise and predicting the end of the world. After a brief period of an "I am the Son of God" pantshitting type crazy, he delved deep into that absolutely batshit less flashy but infinitely more amusing "Secret Societies Rule the World..." type crazy before reaching a stratospheric "... and they're giant lizard men" type crazy.
And it's not like they're all hiding in a bunker full of big hot rocks and mealworm farms either. Oh no, they're shapeshifting giant lizards. Nixon. Ford. Bush, 1 & 2. Clinton. The Queen. The Queen Mum. Bob Hope. Henry Kissenger. The Rothschilds. All lizards.
 You fucking liar, David Icke. The biggest secret is why they never made a sequel to Buckaroo Banzai. |
Gboy's phone call had disrupted my train of thought, occupied as it was with thinking of cool things to say if someone tried to mug me. I was tossing up between "You want some money? Well, HERE'S THAT TEN I OWE YOU!" then holding up my hands like I was about to start waltzing with the mugger or letting my bladder go while singing the Addam's Family Rap as quickly as possible. After a moment, I replied, my eyes narrowing dangerously which was completely wasted because I wasn't using one of those new video phones, "What do you mean - not at the pub?"
| David Icke is a fucking idiot #1 |
 French visitors to the website, H.P. and L. Schaffer, sent me this image, which they saw displayed poster-sized in a branch of the French Telecom. Why on earth would they use an image like this? Unless... - David Icke |
My phone beeped as the connection was cut. I've seen enough World War Two movies to know that a leather gloved hand has just come down on the receiver of Gboy's phone and he's looked up in surprise to meet the steady grey gaze of a Gestapo officer who is training an equally steady Luger on him. "I vould not move if I were you mein friend," Fritz was no doubt saying. "I am an expert shot and I am aiming at your most vulnerable spot - your heart."
That would be his mistake. "Baby," said Gboy as he took a drag on his cigarette, "You gonna hurt me, you don't wanna aim there. You gotta aim lower, you know what I'm saying."
"Vat? Vhy vould I..." The Kraut's gaze lowered. "Oh my..." His gun wavered as his vision become dreamy. This was Gboy's chance - quick as a striking wharfie, he grabbed the German by the hand and threw him out of the window of World Trade Center (did I mention that he was a time travelling Gestapo officer?) "GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADWAY!" yelled Gboy after him as the Hun plummeted to the street below.
Meanwhile, I had my own problems. Who had cut him off and why? Why were the movies not being shown there? I don't know about you, but for a movie that reveals the truth behind a massive global conspiracy to not be showing where we were told it would be showing smacks of... a conspiracy.
We were assuming that the screening of such a film would attract two types of people: a) The kind that wears tin foil hats and takes feverish notes during the screening and b) The kind that laughs at Type (a). Gboy and I were definitely in the latter type - once we almost got beaten up during the screening of Armageddon so there was no telling what would happen if we were surrounded by kooks who were researching their latest http://www.geocites.com/area51 web site update. So, obviously, if you were wanting to take out a fair percentage of Sydney's TRUTHSEEKERS©®TM, what better way to get them all together in the same place at the same time and then EXPLODING THEM?!
 You're making a unsubtitled film entirely in ancient latin and I'm meant to be the crazy one? |
When I finally arrived at the pub, I found Gboy near the bar. When I say found, I mean I saw immediately as he was only one of two people in the bar, not counting the band that was setting up on stage. "What the fuck!?" I asked him. "I spent all night making a foil hat and it's not even on?"
| David Icke is a fucking idiot #2 |
 |
| SPECIAL EXTRA JOKE: Note Mister Wippy Ice Cream cone style shit leaking out of David's ass. |
"No I don't and stop pointing at that girl's crotch. Where's the movie? Where's the crazy? WHERE'S THE TRUTH!"
"It's screening around the corner. I got instructions. We have to go round the back of a carpet shop, down an alleyway and then climb a steel staircase, where we will find where they're showing the movie."
"... right."
"Don't worry, I checked it out. It's legit. I went there and asked a mute guy if this was where the movie was and he said yes."
"Right- wait, what? The mute guy said yes?"
"Well, he did that grunty growly thing that tards do when you step on their feet on the bus. I guess it meant yes."
"Oh, cool. Come on - we've only got ten minutes before the movie starts and I need to drink at least eight beers before then."
"Eight beers? But you'll be going to the bathroom all through the movie."
"Yes." I winked at him. "That's the point." He looked at me funny so I asked the barmaid for her phone number as it was the most straight thing to do at that moment. And to make it extra-hetro I pretended to slip up and said "vagina" instead of "phone number." (NOTE TO WIFE: Ha ha baby, you know I'm kiddin! NOTE TO HOT WOMEN: Send pictures.)
 I don't know the title of this book, but I bet it cause twelve Samurai to commit hari-kari. |
THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID PROMOTION FOR JAZZYJAY FOR WORLD PREZ 2044
When I become President of the World, one of the first rules I'm going to legislate is that you cannot have an America state name as your first name and Wilder as your second name unless you're a porn star. This will be to spare you the disappointment that I suffered while watching the first of Icke's films, which featured him interviewing a woman named Arizona Wilder. "Cool!" I thought. "80s porn stars think giant lizards rule the earth. Also, Peter Weller RULES!" And then I thought "Wait - porn. Porn has nudity. This is a porn star. Porn Stars are nude. Therefor, THIS INTERVIEW WILL HAVE NUDE!"
But how wrong I was.
All three of these women have the surname "Wilder" but only two will be in compliance with Oberlord Jazzyjay's "Porn Star Name Law" of the year 2045. HINT: It's the ones you most want to fuck. If you choose the last one then the time you spend reading this will be better spent writing erotic stories about fucking your mother. |
My misty eyed fantasies of porn and conspiracy theories colliding into one beautiful trainwreck was severely dampened when Arizona Wilder came on the screen. Rather than a large breasted Jezebel, we had a timid suburban housewife. However, thanks to the internet and webcams I've learnt that timid suburban housewives can also be pornstars who "ATTTETNTION JAZZYJAY 45YR OLD NEED UR COCKNOW!" (I so regret giving my mother my email address) so I still had high hopes. I assumed that it would follow the same format as most interviews with pornstars; start with her talking about how much she likes sucking cock and end up with David Icke nutz deep in her ass. I don't know how good your imagination is, so I'm going to help you out a little:
 This Image has been made safe for children by the Global Reptilian Conspiracy. Speaking of children, the Queen is hungry. |
Okay, I think we've established that David Icke is a complete loony tune so you can understand just how crazy someone must be to damage his credibility. And in case you can't, I'll make it clear to you. You have to be Arizona Wilder crazy. When I used to indicate that there was a lot of something, I would say "more than the titties on a three legged New Zealand whore." That may not make any sense but you sure as hell knew that there's a lot of what ever it is that I'm talking about. After seeing this movie, I say "more than the crazy on Arizona Wilder."
 You'd better enjoy this. Three Lizardmen died to bring you this yearbook entry. |
ME: Man, that Arizona Wilder was kinda hot.
GBOY: (long pause) No. No she wasn't.
ME: They haven't shown much David Icke yet; I hope they show the bit where he was on Wogan just after he went insane.
NORMAL DUDE NEXT TO US: He was on Wogan?
ME: Yeah, man, he was on Wogan when he went insane claiming he was the Son of God.
NORMAL DUDE NEXT TO US: Well, he's right.
GBOY: What?
NORMAL CRAZY DUDE NEXT TO US: We're all the Sons of God.
ME: Then shouldn't he have said that he was a Son of God, not The Son?
CRAZY DUDE NEXT TO US WHO'S HEAD I'VE JUST NOTICED IS COVERED WITH BLISTERS: He was using the Royal The.
ME: That makes no sen-
GBOY: Hey, I dig his Turquoise phase, that shit was cool. All crazy people should have a colour scheme.
CDNTUWHIJNICWB: He's not cr-
ME: Yeah, like those crazy swiss fuckers who killed themselves.
CDNTUWHIJNICWB: They're not cr-
GBOY: Yeah, they're the ones, the guys who cut their balls off and wore orange. What were they called again?
ME: (after a quick google search) Heaven's Gate.
GBOY: Wait, how'd you just do that?
CDNTUWHIJNICWB: They didn't wear orange and they discarded their bodies because they were ascending in their pure energy state to their UFO mothership that was riding in the tail of the Hale-Bopp comet.
ME: Way to choose a comet guys. It crashed straight into Jupiter just afterwards.
CDNTUWHIJNICWB: Of course it did. They didn't need it any more.
ME: ...
ME: um...
CDNTUWHIJNICWB: I should go. (makes a "POP!" noise with his mouth and runs around behind me as quickly as possible to give the impression that he just disappeared.)
GBOY: Dude! You just got totally out maneuvered by a crazy guy!
ME: (looking around) Where'd he go!?
 WHATEVER. |
Back inside, everyone was sipping from paper cups. "What's this?" I asked someone. "Coffee?"
"No," he said. "Intermission snacks." He handed me a cup and I looked in it.
It was full of steaming red liquid.
 YUM YUM, LIZARD SCUM! |
I looked at the guy, my eyes wide with fear. I, very carefully, handed it back to him. "No thanks. Not hungry."
I went and found Gboy. "The cups. They're serving. MENSTRUAL BLOOD!"
"Jesus!" he said. "It's just tomato soup. It's not menstrual blood."
The woman next to him turned to us. "Oh yes it is. We only serve the best menstrual blood here."
Gboy and I said "Coooooool!" in unison and rushed over to the snack counter as quickly as possible.
TO BE CONTINUED... Well, not really.